It feels like it's been such a long time since I've posted anything here. I'll admit I'm in kinda weird spots, but they come and go. I'm hungry, so that's a contributing factor. It's also Tuesday, which means I'm back at the office box thinking about the lab reports I can't locate. Tough break. At the moment, though, I'm thinking about Sunday night. I spoke with tracie about it and now that I've thought about it from a non-hungover standpoint, I'm weird. I don't understand boys. I don't understand why boys and girls can't be friends. I don't understand why everytime I go out with someone new and they know I have a boyfriend and they know I just want to be their friend - why must it get sexual? Flirting is one thing. Having fun is one thing. It's quite another thing to start to feel someone up. It's quite another thing to try to kiss someone repeatedly when they say no. Although I tend to make up excuses that people get drunk and lose a certain element of control, the point remains this happens to me on a pretty regular basis.
On Sunday, a boy I work with put the moves on me. It was the first time I've ever felt a loss of control in this way. A way that forced me to tears later on. A way that left me feeling embarassed. Aggression. A way that made The Boyfriend want to kick his ass. A way that makes me uncertain about how I feel. I feel weird.
Although I removed myself from the situation on Sunday and I did nothing to lead the boy on (that I'm aware of), I'm still balancing many different feelings in my mind. A sense of guilt that I allowed myself to be in that situation. Not wanting to get that person in trouble - he's a great kid usually. So many mixed emotions. And at the same time, I want to never see him again. I can understand (on a very miniscule level, of course) how rape victims often feel guilt and shame in what has happened to them. It's easy to look back at the last several times I've had a guy cross the line and say - well I got drunk or I was being super friendly and flirty. It's like when you try to remember the details of an event and the longer you play it over and over, it changes..you wonder if you've remembered correctly, if your role was somehow different?
I certainly was not raped nor was what happened on Sunday something that is going to scar me for life. But it is something to think about. Maybe men and women can't be friends. Maybe I'm an optimist.
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16 comments:
we are talking about this at lunch woman. i am so pissed off.
I'm your friend. So it is possible.
Have you ever wondered if you're the one sending out the wrong signals?
are you serious?
Totally serious.
Totally serious.
Um, I'm pretty sure that I don't know the signal for grope me up and down when I'm not into you that way while I'm squirming to get out of your grasp and I'm saying NO and there are other men sitting at the bar probably watching and I'm calling a friend on my cell phone to have them come pry you off of me. Is that the wrong signal you're talking about?
even if "signals" are confused (which they were not in this case), when someone says NO!, everything should become very clear. there is NO excuse for ignoring THAT signal.
i'm not saying that no doesn't mean no. that wasn't cool on his part. but from a guy's standpoint girls flirt and sometimes its hard to tell what the girl's interest is beyond friendship. all im saying is did you behave a certain way that led the guy to believe this was something you wanted? has this happened before? guys can be friends with girls - but if they flirt with each other too its easy to misconstrue.
I think it's one thing to get confused if there's flirting involved and ya know, maybe move in for a kiss. But this wasn't a kiss. We're talking oh,I think she's flirting with me and she likes me so that gives me permission to take control of her body and ignore her requests for it to stop? I don't think so. If I want someone to start grabbing me in public and to not let me go, I think I'll need to be a little more forward than, giggle giggle, we're having fun at the bar, you're my friend.
Given that this is a frequent occurrence; and given my personal experience in these situations, I would have to agree that its very likely you're playing a significant role here. Everyone acknowledges that no means no, but a lot happens before that point. Guys are not animals, nor are they idiots. For some reason, these guys perceive the possibility of success. The guys who have kissed you, have you kissed any of them back, or kissed any of them more than once? Maybe they see something in your behavior that you are not willing to recognize. And that something likely suggests a lack of contentment with your relationship.
Hmm...interesting, Anonymous. Very interesting.
I can understand that the argument you are making is somewhat logical, HOWEVER, I have never looked at this boy in a romantic light - seriously. I always felt we had a very brother sister relationship. I certainly was not kissing this boy back, nor have I ever been in that situation with him before. I have never felt anything romantic between us and all I can say is that he got TOO drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I would never have put myself into that situation if I thought he was going to pull that crap, because honestly, it made me feel like sh*t, it was not fun, it was uncomfortable and he is now uncomfortable with the situation as well. He knows he did wrong. He knows I did nothing to encourage it. I do have a problem with you suggesting that there are things lacking in my current relationship as you do not know anything about my current relationship (aside from what you may read on this site - and all those things indicate only positive wonderful things about my relationship. Lastly, anytime something like this has happened, and a guy disrespects me and my boyfriend by pursuing me (or putting the moves on me), I never regain the relationship I once had with the person as I no longer trust them nor do I feel it appropriate to hang out with them. I certainly never engage in a kiss with them on second occasion. I would appreciate it if you would stop posting about this, because, to be honest, it was an unpleasant experience that bothered me for the entire week thereafter and since then, the boy has apologized and we have tried to remain polite and unawkward only because we are forced to see eachother on occasion. I don't appreciate your interpretation of the event or myself, especially when I shared this for support and positive discussion and you are simply insulting me with your negativity and lack of woman's perspective.
Looks like you've got more than one anonymous fan! I don't think anyone is trying to give you a hard time though. This is a public forum and you chose to post your comments about your life for the world to see. I think that given what you've described about yourself and your personality and just from your blogs, that people can tell a lot about you - it may be right or wrong - who knows, but suffice it to say that we are all just drawing on the information you've given us.
Anonymous: I thank you for your positive perspective on this set of comments. I completely agree about the fact that I've posted my life on the internet for all to see and that I have to expect different viewpoints to be shared. I really love the fact that, despite how angry this one anonymous person is making me,I am in fact, hosting an argument centered around something I've written! It's really interesting! Despite all of this, though, I am just wanting to get over this situation that happened to me...and it's hurtful (and surprising) that there is actually someone reading my blog who chose to write (as benign as their intentions were) something that really offended me so much. I guess I wasn't prepared to be judged. I guess I wasn't even prepared to have fans other than tracie and geelite.
So thanks for the comment and thanks for using the word 'fan'...that TOTALLY made my day!
HEY! now I'm offended because I wasn't mentioned as a fan! HAHAHAHA...seriously we should all take a breather and draw upon Chuck Norris's chi "Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth"
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