"They warn you about killers and thieves in the night. I worry about cancer and living right. But my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite."
The thing I really like about Jenny Lewis (and Rilo Kiley for that matter) is that she captures everything so realistically. I listen to the words and sense that she has truly been in the specific spots she sings about. She knows. She sings so honestly and reveals so much in her lyrics. It's so clever and real. I wish everything and everyone could be so real.
The Boyfriend recently declared to some friends that my ipod is, in fact, filled with too much melancholy. I objected, but of course, I know he's right. Songs from the Garden State soundtrack, Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley, Death Cab for Cutie, songs from Empire Records (I know I know), Madonna, even. There are so many beautiful songs....A Long December by the Counting Crowes, Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve, Tangerine as covered by Big Head Todd and The Monsters. Even Franz Ferdinand can be seen as melancholy.
Mel´an`chol`y
n.
1. Depression of spirits; a gloomy state continuing a considerable time; deep dejection;
Gloominess.
2. Great and continued depression of spirits, amounting to mental unsoundness; melancholia.
3. Pensive meditation; serious thoughtfulness.
Melancholy to me is a sort of nostalgic feeling, something that contains a hint of fondness and longing and makes you feel a happy/sad. The dictionary doesn't say it, but I feel it. I'm sure you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about...why am I talking about the word melancholy and the music in my itunes. I have no idea. It's been a weird week and the semester itself has grown increasingly bizarre and I'm in spots where I'm no longer confidant about my time and place and situation and spot in the world...in my mind. It's definitely good to have those periods of time where you reflect and wonder and get depressed, even. I guess I'm there. Things have been good and positive and educational and fun, but there is also a hint of sadness to it all. There is melancholy in the air. Is it the weather? Is it my life? Is it money? Is it liquor? Is it smoke? It's all up in smoke. Old connections, new connections...decisions, lyrics, food, health, family. Washington D.C. is a weird town. Our world is tragic. So much of everything is tragic.
Recently I watched American Beauty for the first time in a while. I had been craving it for about a month and finally, I got to watch it. It, of course, made me happy and sad. It was beautiful to watch Kevin Spacey's character transform his life as the dutiful husband with the career and child and house into a solo mission to get in shape and lift weights and smoke weed and get a futureless job at a burger shack. Is that what it's all about? I sometimes wonder where the hell this is all leading? Why all the rules? Who said that one way is the way and the only way and if you don't follow that way you will die lonely and miserable and will never find what you're looking for.
What am I looking for?
What are you looking for?
It may sound dramatic, but I just can't see myself following these rules. I want to break them - shatter them and stomp on them and dance around them and watch them crumble into tiny shards. I want to watch their dust blow with the wind and disappear.
There are times when things are so clear. Doubt is a funny thing. So is guilt. You have those moments when things are crystal clear....you feel it inside that you know something. You have seen truth and you never shake the feeling that at one point in time, you saw the brutal truth and it was beautiful. Then there are times when doubt walks in and grabs a seat and stares at you and says, you don't have all the answers. There is uncertainty....and then you don't know anymore. Then there is guilt. You question your decisions....you question your moral fiber. What is a moral anyway? Another f*cking rule. They want to control us. They want to say what we can and cannot do. I am capable of so much and there should be no rules to contain that. I am not hurting people...I am living.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers "One Hot Minute" album has a song on it that goes: "but the Butthole Surfers said, it's better to regret something you've done, than something you didn't do". I think that's a pretty good thing to live by. I want to die knowing that I lived it up and experienced so much...this life is about happiness. It's about finding the things that make you happy. It's about feeling satisfaction, feeling loved, feeling everything in every extreme...to every extreme. I would rather go to extremes than dance around a state of average with steady lines and minimal bumping. I want curves and I want hills and mountains even. My personality has never given me any other choice.
Maybe it would be easier if I were an ordinary flatliner walking through their daily life content to do the 9-5, get married, buy a house, lease a car, have a baby, watch the news at 7 and get tucked in by 8.
But I don't want easy.
The thing I really like about Jenny Lewis (and Rilo Kiley for that matter) is that she captures everything so realistically. I listen to the words and sense that she has truly been in the specific spots she sings about. She knows. She sings so honestly and reveals so much in her lyrics. It's so clever and real. I wish everything and everyone could be so real.
The Boyfriend recently declared to some friends that my ipod is, in fact, filled with too much melancholy. I objected, but of course, I know he's right. Songs from the Garden State soundtrack, Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley, Death Cab for Cutie, songs from Empire Records (I know I know), Madonna, even. There are so many beautiful songs....A Long December by the Counting Crowes, Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve, Tangerine as covered by Big Head Todd and The Monsters. Even Franz Ferdinand can be seen as melancholy.
Mel´an`chol`y
n.
1. Depression of spirits; a gloomy state continuing a considerable time; deep dejection;
Gloominess.
2. Great and continued depression of spirits, amounting to mental unsoundness; melancholia.
3. Pensive meditation; serious thoughtfulness.
Melancholy to me is a sort of nostalgic feeling, something that contains a hint of fondness and longing and makes you feel a happy/sad. The dictionary doesn't say it, but I feel it. I'm sure you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about...why am I talking about the word melancholy and the music in my itunes. I have no idea. It's been a weird week and the semester itself has grown increasingly bizarre and I'm in spots where I'm no longer confidant about my time and place and situation and spot in the world...in my mind. It's definitely good to have those periods of time where you reflect and wonder and get depressed, even. I guess I'm there. Things have been good and positive and educational and fun, but there is also a hint of sadness to it all. There is melancholy in the air. Is it the weather? Is it my life? Is it money? Is it liquor? Is it smoke? It's all up in smoke. Old connections, new connections...decisions, lyrics, food, health, family. Washington D.C. is a weird town. Our world is tragic. So much of everything is tragic.
Recently I watched American Beauty for the first time in a while. I had been craving it for about a month and finally, I got to watch it. It, of course, made me happy and sad. It was beautiful to watch Kevin Spacey's character transform his life as the dutiful husband with the career and child and house into a solo mission to get in shape and lift weights and smoke weed and get a futureless job at a burger shack. Is that what it's all about? I sometimes wonder where the hell this is all leading? Why all the rules? Who said that one way is the way and the only way and if you don't follow that way you will die lonely and miserable and will never find what you're looking for.
What am I looking for?
What are you looking for?
It may sound dramatic, but I just can't see myself following these rules. I want to break them - shatter them and stomp on them and dance around them and watch them crumble into tiny shards. I want to watch their dust blow with the wind and disappear.
There are times when things are so clear. Doubt is a funny thing. So is guilt. You have those moments when things are crystal clear....you feel it inside that you know something. You have seen truth and you never shake the feeling that at one point in time, you saw the brutal truth and it was beautiful. Then there are times when doubt walks in and grabs a seat and stares at you and says, you don't have all the answers. There is uncertainty....and then you don't know anymore. Then there is guilt. You question your decisions....you question your moral fiber. What is a moral anyway? Another f*cking rule. They want to control us. They want to say what we can and cannot do. I am capable of so much and there should be no rules to contain that. I am not hurting people...I am living.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers "One Hot Minute" album has a song on it that goes: "but the Butthole Surfers said, it's better to regret something you've done, than something you didn't do". I think that's a pretty good thing to live by. I want to die knowing that I lived it up and experienced so much...this life is about happiness. It's about finding the things that make you happy. It's about feeling satisfaction, feeling loved, feeling everything in every extreme...to every extreme. I would rather go to extremes than dance around a state of average with steady lines and minimal bumping. I want curves and I want hills and mountains even. My personality has never given me any other choice.
Maybe it would be easier if I were an ordinary flatliner walking through their daily life content to do the 9-5, get married, buy a house, lease a car, have a baby, watch the news at 7 and get tucked in by 8.
But I don't want easy.
5 comments:
wow. . . this is your best post in a long time . . . thanks for sharing.
awww, thanks Fred! Been feeling a bit passionate lately;) Thanks for still checking even though I hardly ever write:)
I check daily in hopes that there will some new and interesting post! :)
Thanks Fred:) I swear, I'm trying to get on top of it...it comes in waves...lol...
It's not important that you post daily. But, the people who love and care about you just want to know that you are ok. that's all. it doesn't take much. an email or message that says "i'm ok."
And if you are not ok, that's alright too. because the same people will rush to your side.
because they love you.
but they don't have ESP, so just let your friends now when you need some help. OK? ORB???
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